What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 06:16
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What did i know ?
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
I don,t even have a pension.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why does my private parts itch so much during certain periods?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were not on the streets..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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She married twice! .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was very sick at this time too.
And i lived it daily.
My family never makes their pension either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I have no regrets .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It was going to be , some day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
All the time i was locked up.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was 9 years of age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I will be 64.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im still living with it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He knew the spot.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was scared of men, in general
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I think the readers, may guess!
So, i spoilt her more .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Comes on , in middle age.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But, we were locked up after school.
She found it foreign!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was seconnd youngest,
This is soul school!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot live in the past .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So whats the point in blame.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ive learnt so much.
Put me off passion for life!!
I write beautiful poetry .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I waited trembling.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I said to her
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was in good health!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My life is so biszare .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it wasn’t much.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We all went to grammer schools
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
When she asked me how she looked .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Would this be the day?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!